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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I hate the beach & Day 81. 284 Days Left.

After today I realized something… I hate the beach. No, I really hate the beach. Correction, I fucking hate the beach.

Not for the simple purpose of hating to wear a swimsuit in public. After all, no matter how hard I try to find a swimsuit that "flatters" (and I really don't think there is such a thing), I constantly feel like I'm overexposed and hyper-conscious of my post childbirth "problem areas" "saddle bags" and "thunder thighs". And then there is the uncomfortableness of wearing stretchy, wet, non-breathable fabric right on my skin, riding up, shifting around and overall feeling gross.

I hate how long it takes to pack necessities needed for two toddlers and the couple of hours we will be spending seaside. Sand buckets and shovels, extra diapers, pull-up and swim diapers, towels, umbrella, juice, snacks, extra sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, camera (because I. am. Pathological.), water wings, baby floating rings… I feel like a pack mule carrying this plus one kid to the shore line, which is usually at least a mile. ugh!

Once arriving, I turn into this over-barring, protective control freak. I worry about everything…

1. The Sun. Not only are they toddlers but their blonde hair and fair skin is strictly made for burning. The intensity of the sun at the beach is like nowhere else, and I fear no matter how many times I apply the 100+ sunscreen, they will end up burnt. Besides the discomfort, there is a serious skin cancer issue here, and therefore I feel justified in saying that the beach is hazardous to my kiddos health.

2. The Sand. Oh.My.God. a sensory person's nightmare. It ends up in our clothes, stuck to our skin, in hoo-ha's, our hair, in the car, in the bathtub, my washing machine and dryer, all over the floor, the bed and in the food....
And forget it with a potty trained toddler. Having to truck back and forth, to the potty, on the scolding hot sand. After the fifth trip I am thinking, Addison just piss in the water like every other normal kid.
3. The Water. This is my biggest fear. Drowning. Yes, you can leave the beach in a body bag. There are rip currents and sinkholes and seaweed in the water to pull you under. It’s Neptune’s way of thinning the land population. Also in the water, there is the sea life. I don't like walking (or swimming) around in water teeming with strange invertebrates, some of which bite or sting. And then there are the sharks...weren't we all traumatized by a Jaws movie at some point in our childhoods?
I make sure we perch ourselves in between two “on duty” life guard stands. This has to give us a better chance in the event something unthinkable happens. Right? I am giving us more than a 50 percent chance for help. I feel as though I spend my time planning out elaborate rescues rather than enjoying the laughter coming from my kids.

The waves make it impossible to control how wet I want to get. But they mostly leave me clucthing, which ever baby I am holding, in a death grip; I fear that at any moment one will pull them from my arms.

4. Sunscreen. Due to #1 (the sun), I am constantly applying sunscreen on little bodies. I admit I'm glad it's around but really what a nightmare trying to apply it evenly to two uncooperative squirming monsters. They just hate wearing it! It's greasy and heavy-feeling, and they freak out when I come near their faces for fear of getting it in their eyes. Even though it says tear free, the kids have come to realize it burns! Also, the stickiness of the sunscreen exacerbates the effects of #2 (the sand).

Am I alone? I mostly feel as though I am. I see other families at the beach having a great time. Running around. Carefree. I really don’t understand.

Can you help me out here? Anyone?

Day 81

Hippo Bubbles


Skye said...

I love the beach but maybe it's because I don't have access to it like you do - we can only go in the summer. We go to the outerbanks every summer - and I made sure we rented a house with a nice outdoor shower LOL - and the house is right on the beach so we won't have to tote too much onto the actual beach :)
But I don''t look forward to the sand that will be caught in Julianna's cracks & crevices LOL

Maryann's Mama Tales said...

Haha! How do you REALLY feel? I guess I really don't "mind" the beach, every once in a while. I'd have to agree with you about the amount of "stuff" I have to bring with just one toddler. Fortunately, I usually go with my sister and my nephew so between the two of us we come prepared. I also don't like how the sand gets everywhere especially her "hoohaa" no matter how hard to try to clean her up.

Kathy said...

Do you think we could start a support group: Hi, I am Kathy and I hate the beach!!! Lol! I am so not into the beach!!! Thankfully we live in NY so though we live fairly close to quite a few beaches I only have to deal with them in the summer and I do my best to get in as little beach time as possible. Just thinking of the sand and all the place it can get into is enough to make me shudder! Thanks for the fun post!

Cabubsmom said...

I LOVE the beach, but that is because I hardly ever get to go...though, I do realize how annoying it is when I get there. I have 3 boys and when we took my oldest a few years ago, our potty training him outside was not coming in handy. I turn around and he is standing in front of some girls - butt facing the beach - PEEING into the ocean! I was mortified, but have not laughed that hard ever! Sand, my mortal enemy, always somehow finds its way to my house...IN INDIANA!

Becky said...

You REALLY hate the beach!! Your kiddos were having fun, though!
I am not a fan of the sand that comes home but I enjoy an afternoon at the beach.

Deanna McCool said...

Another Indiana gal here, but live near Lake Michigan so we go to the beach in the summer. I have to say I loved the beach as a child, though my parents rarely ever took us (my mom hates the beach). I loved it as a teenager! Loved it when I was single! Liked it when it was just my husband and I -- didn't love it, because my "man" is afraid of water and hates being in the sun, so it puts a damper on the whole thing. With's not so fun because of all the things you mentioned (the pack mule thing is one of my main gripes), but it's better now that the girls are 5 and 10 and there's not the whole diaper-just-potty-trained thing going on. It will improve.