Surviving Motherhood

100 ways you know you are a mom...

#1: you look in the mirror and no longer recoginze the person staring back at you. Really hit me after my second was born... My thought: "Holy Shit, I am a mother to two little beings!"

#2: you can read Dinosaur vs. Bedtime or The Very Hungry Caterpillar without having to open the book.

#3: you are always prepared. If someone needs a bandage, you have one. If someone needs crayons or a pen, you’ve got one. If someone needs a snack or juice, you’ve have both. Mainly because you leave your house with everything but the furniture.

#4: you can't find your cell phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone inside your toddler's ride on Tonka truck.

#5: you say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

#6: you have a difficult time giving away newborn clothes because it is so final.

#7: when looking for the restroom you ask "where is the potty?"

#8: when cleaning, doing the dishes, doing the laundry and vacuuming are considered “breaks”...”here honey the kids are all yours."

#9: when you can’t remember the last time you thought “hmmm- I am really bored today- there is nothing to do”!

#10: when you have baby photos where your money used to be.

#11: when the children have left the room or are sleeping and an hour or two later you realize you are still watching Nick Jr.!

#12: you have truly embraced motherhood when you are up before everyone else & go to bed after everyone else- simply for glimpses of PEACE & QUIET….

#13: when going to the bathroom or taking a shower alone gets you excited.

#14: Fantasies: Mothers of one: Some quiet time with the hubby. Mothers of two: a nice hotel- ALONE- so we can enjoy a meal ALONE, sitting down & WITHOUT sharing, enjoy some quiet and sleep-ALONE.
Mothers of three+: well I would only imagine, somedays, you have yourselves lost in the Bermuda Triangle somewhere.

#15: you reach out with cupped hands to catch whatever is about to come up rather than having to clean the carpet.

#16: you go to the store and $200 later you have nothing for yourself. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

#17: those triple digit priced shoes and handbags have been replaced by size 8 girls and 5 boys shoes and princess handbags.

#18: you get just as excited or more when shopping at Toys R Us “Yea, a new toy to play with”!

#19: you know you are a parent when things are quiet in the house and you HAVE to go check the children because you just know they are getting into trouble.

#20: This is for all you stay at home moms- you know you are a stay at home mom when TGIF no longer excites you… that’s for people who work or don’t have kids.

#21: the word “NO!” has lost all meaning.

#22: you get excited for the new episode of Backyardaigns, Wonder Pets, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sesame Street & etc.

#23: your children are dressed better than you.

#24: receiving a compliment about your children brings you more joy than any you have ever received about yourself.

#25: most of the artwork in the house is the result of your toddler finding a crayon or marker!

#26: your grocery lists are written on construction paper with crayons! “Yes, I see you looking at my list and laughing.”

#27: You know you have TRULY embraced motherhood when during naptimes you tip-toe around, go to the other side of the house to use the bathroom, turn off ALL the lights & TV's, sit quietly on the sofa in the dark to not make any noise- GOD knows you do not want to wake the beasts!

#28: You find yourself wiping a booger out of another baby’s nose. Must be impulse… Brody, Aunt Melissa loves you that much.

#29: you have no problem sharing your drink with your toddler or 11 month old. Knowing that by the time you get to the bottom a combination of both of their meals with be floating around- EWWW!

#30: you have accepted the fact that everyday by 10am your house will look as though it was the battle grounds to which a massive war was held.

#31: you come up with brilliant creative ideas that will help make your life easier, you wonder why has no one thought of this and only wished you had enough energy & time to market your idea!…for instance- we need swimsuits for toddlers with snap buttons because having to pull down a swimsuit for a potty training 2 ½ year old every 15-20 minutes is just not that fun.

#32: You hear yourself say: “What? Germs help build their immune systems!”

#33: the five second rule no longer applies- in our house it is the five minute rule… nothing makes it longer than that with the dogs around! Sorry kiddies your loss…

#34: You can spot a mommy when you see her doing “the mommy shuffle” even without a baby in her arms! (you know that side to side motion you do when holding your baby)

#35: you have paid for all of your groceries, heading back to the car and have everyone settled in their carseats when you finally realize your daughter has lost her lovey or your son his shoe where in the store.

#36: you curse people if they call during nap or bedtime.

#37: you look through family pictures, and realize there aren’t very many of you, because you are always behind the camera yourself.

#38: you walk into another room in your house to get something and by the time you get there you forget what you were going after.

#39: you consider things like macaroni & cheese, peanut butter & jelly and grilled cheese sandwiches to be their own food group.

#40: you have mastered what I like to call “the mommy growl" that low voice you use to scold your children when out in public or when one of them is sleeping- the voice that says “I am serious” without having to yell.

#41: you understand what “because I said so” means.

#42: you know you are a mommy by your multi-tasking skills-you have the baby propped on your hip while on the phone and making a baby bottle ,talking to your toddler, making a sippy cup & lunch for her and taking bites of whatever meal you have missed… how do you like that daddies?!

#43: everything ends in “ie”…Tootsies, Tookies, Feeties, Hammies (the chubby part of the thigh that just needs to be pinched!), Sleepies, Poopies, Duckie, Froggie, Binkie…

#44: you have no problem jamming out in the car to toddler sing-a-longs just to make the ride smoother.

#45: you make a bee-line for that certain something to keep your child from turning into a monster in the store…Target M&M’s and the supermarket straight to the bakery for a sugar cookie…do not stop, do not detour- straight for that coveted magic quiet goodie. It will always be opened first without paying until the end- a slight smile is given as I pass other mommies and see their quiet children contently chopping on or playing with that magic goodie.

#46: you find yourself making the hubby those Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes on the weekends.

#47: you make sure each child has the same snack and the same amount because trust me a 2 ½ year old does care if her 9 month old brother has more than her.

#48: you can convert a single stroller into a double. Carrying around a toddler who thinks she wants to walk for three hours- I don’t think so.

#49: you would rather spend your free evening trashing the nursery by dragging out every toy, spilling juice & snacks all over the floor, coloring the balcony with chalk-then walking in it-only to come inside and see how many chalk footprints you can make, coloring on the wall & floor, smashing cereal into the carpet and pulling all the pillows off of the sofa and beds- just so your kids can take it easy tomorrow.

#50: that time-out you are about to give your toddler you would LOVE to give to yourself! I mean I could certainly use 10 minutes by myself, sitting in a corner with no TV or noise.

#51: you have accepted your children were born with that “naughty-chip” already inserted and there is nothing that can be done about that.

#52: your idea of spacing children apart is keeping them 10 feet from one another.

#53: you spend time during the week googling ideas to keep the kids busy on the weekends.

#54: you can no longer find your refrigerator because it is covered with every masterpiece your toddler has made.

#55: you find you function better around complete chaos.

#56: your back aches more from carrying around two 25 pound kids than it did from wearing 3 1/2-inch stilettos for four hours while running around a restaurant serving guests.

#57: you have traded those cute little designer handbags for a giant diaper bag filled with the following…a change of clothes for her, him and you (you for obvious reasons), extra diapers for him and pull-ups for her, 2 sippy juice cups, a bottle, wipes, toys, snacks, sanitizer, band-aides, Neosporin, tissues, book, crayons, sunscreen, toy receipts, whatever may be bunched up in that napkin and the three mommy essentials (sunglasses, wallet & cell phone).

#58: shaving your legs is reserved for your anniversary only.

#59: it comes to date night- you make the plans, get all dressed up and drop the kids off at Pop-pop & Gradd'a house just to call and check in on the kids every 20-30 minutes!

#60: life with toddlers- every day is like a new mysterious treasure hunt… one morning I wake up with a sticker attached to my leg, the following night a marker in the bed and someimes will find the remote in the diaper bag… and I can’t help but smile.

#61: you have accepted that yelling, being that you do it most of the day, has become your preferred method of conversation.

#62: in the supermarket you ask your nine month old “what should we have for dinner?” and “what else do we need?

#63: you cuddle with your children even when they are sick with runny noises, fevers and a yucky cough and you could care less if you catch it.

#64: you use your children as an excuse get out of or leave somewhere early….”I am sorry the kids are really sick- we won’t be able to make it” or “The sitter can only stay until 9pm”…

#65: you realize your gag- reflex is gone. afterall, by this point you have been pooped, peed and thrown-up on sometimes all three simultaneously.

#66: you understand the sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they know when they are really in trouble. Addison Jean!

#67: someone asks “what happened to your hair” and you explain that your six month old is teething or your three month old has colic.

#68: play-dates are mostly for the mommies.

#69: realize that Daddy will ALWAYS be able to get the kids to sleep faster than you!

#70: you finally understand that MOM= My Own Maid!

#71: you realize your children get their energy by sucking it out of their parents- one tired mama here.

#72: you know when to surrender, when to wave your white flag and accept that they have you out numbered, exhausted and defeated- they are not children they are monsters.

#73: the kids are running around the house chasing the dogs while screaming with that something sticky all over their little hands and you just stop and think “wow, I really do have an amazing life”.

#74: that two door car transformed to a four door crossover and you finally decided that you really do need that mini-van… yup, that’s it you are a mommy now! Mini-van here I come.

#75: you call your mom and apologize for everything you ever broke or destroyed and for any temper-tantrums or meltdowns you had as a child! I can only imagine how long I will be apologizing when Addison is a teenager- ouch!

#76: you start negotiating with & bribing your toddler to avoid that pint sized temper-tantrum.

#77: you allow your toddler to dip everything in condiments just so they will eat. “Yes Addison you may have ketchup with your peas and pork chop” what tomatoes are a vegetable right?!

#78: you hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth. Oh, my! but I have no better role model than mine.

#79: you use your own saliva to wipe your child’s face.

#80: you don’t give that half eaten pizza, bagel or chicken nugget on you toddler’s plate a second thought before popping into your mouth.

#81: you understand the title comes with the responsibilities of cook, teacher, nurse, janitor, maid, chauffeur, entertainer (including singer, dancer, comedian & narrator), referee, disciplinarian, supporter, Easter Bunny, Santa Clause & Tooth Fairy, party planner, personal shopper and waiter. Am I missing any?

#82: you have accepted that your sofa and carpets will be forever covered in the following…crayons, markers, food, milk, juice, formula, play-doh, spit-up and diaper leakage… so who is coming over and who would like to have a seat?

#83: telling white lies has become a specialty… "We will come back later" or “No Addison, I am sorry the batteries are broken” that one is my favorite because I just can not listen to that toy for another minute.

#84: you really don't sweat the small stuff... because you know the small stuff is only leading up to the BIG stuff.

#85: you truly understand the meaning of unconditional love.

#86: you no longer not only wish the world for your children but the entire UNIVERSE.

#87: you wake up with an aching back thinking “Wow, these two little things really do take up a lot of space”…my bed dips down on both sides-it’s like a hill from the kids sleeping in the middle and the hubby and I hanging off the sides- but I would not trade it for the world.

#88: you are learning a second language by watching Dora, Diego and Ki-Lan.

#89: you find yourself saying… “No Addison Barbie’s do not go swimming in the potty”, “Uggh, Jackson why did you eat that bug?” as I am pulling it out of his mouth, “Addison please stop letting Petunia (dog) lick your tongue”, “Jackson you can not drink out of the dog’s water bowl- you are not a dog!” Realyy... I have to say this.

#90: you appreciate all the little things in life.

#91: you have accepted the fact that your sanity is now gone- probably forever- you don’t fight it… you just wave as you watch it walk right out the door.

#92: you reach into your diaper bag only to pull out a hand full of crumbs. Mine is a total duping ground.

#93: you have embraced the fact that you are not perfect, you will make mistakes, you learn something new each day- but the moment you look into your child’s eyes you realize you did do something PERFECT.

#94: you wish you could fix EVERYTHING with a cool Toy Story band-aid or the boo-boo bear in the freezer.

#93: you realize to get your children’s attention all you have to do is call someone on the phone, have a conversation or sit down to eat.

#94: you realized you had to pee only because you laughed or sneezed.

#95: you try to teach your toddler a new take on Hide-go-Seek… today we are playing “who can hide the longest”

#96: taking a shower becomes a chore. Perfect example: talking to a girlfriend while our girls are playing- Jackson spits juice all down my shirt- "You know I just took a shower this morning. This is why I usually don't bother because within two minutes of being dressed someone spits-up, gets sick, spills food, formula or juice or any number of other things on mommy. But hey, I made it four hours so I guess it was worth it today."

#97: even a hiccup becomes a wonderful milestone.

#98: you have a new found love of photography.

#99: You know you are a NEW Mommy when your babies first poopie diaper excites you “yea, everything is working correctly!”

and finally...

#100: because the moment your kids do something adorable, you take a picture to upload to facebook or your blog.

Am I forgetting anything?