Speechless... I have no speech & Day 125. 240 Days Left.

Have I mentioned I hate grocery shopping?

No?

Well, I will elaborate…

We went to the supermarket late last night. When I say late I mean 8:30pm. In this house that is late. After 5pm my precious little kiddos morph into pure hellions.

We had our list. I mapped out the store and the isle I needed to get down. I was loaded with sippy cups, snacks and treats. First stop, as always, the bakery. This allows me exactly five-ten minutes of uninterrupted shopping. Well, with the exception of last night... So much for five-ten minutes. Addison ate the cookie as though she was being starved and Jackson, he threw it at me.

Five minutes into shopping, Addison asks are we done yet. No Addison we just started. Repeat 50 more times. Jackson begins kicking and screaming so the hubby takes him out of the cart. While making our way around the store, we take turns passing a 30 pound toddler back and forth. Meanwhile, Addison is skipping, hopping, running and bouncing along, now touching everything on each shelf. Seriously, would love to know what they spiked that cookie with.

We finally get everything from the list and head to checkout. The cashier was talking to the man in front of us. He had finished paying and was still standing there. Clearly in the way. Addison is hopping up and down doing her pee-pee dance. “Oh-Ah mommy I gotta go potty. Mommy hurry before I pee in my underwear like I pooped in them today”. Cashier still talking. The poor hubby is trying to help unload the shopping cart while holding a squirming, crying and kicking Jackson. All my attempts to calm him are futile. He chucked everything I handed him at my face.

Few more minutes pass and the cashier, still talking. Addison hopping with her hands between her legs. I look over to the hubby, tell him "this is ridiculous" than give the cashier one of my are you fucking serious looks. She must have gotten the point because as she was trying to count back our change she got flustered and needed to restart. Twice.

As we finish paying, the sweet old lady behind us asks the kiddo’s age. And just as we go to walk away she says “maybe this is not a good hour for young children to be out grocery shopping". And that was it.

I was speechless. Lost my fight. Clearly defeated. The old bag was right.
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Day 125
Really- do they look like anything other than perfect angels?

Embracing the “Good Enough" & Day 110. 255 Days Left

After years of planning, conceiving and raising children, I realize that I forgot a little something along the way... me.

When we conceived our first I was ecstatic, certain that everything was going to be, well.... PERFECT. The wheels started to fall off of the bus when I was pregnant, I was sick, I was working, fat, a little bit nuts and every bit exhausted. NOT the magical picture that had been painted to me by friends, family and society.

Once our daughter, Addison, arrived things only got worse. I couldn't breastfeed, she didn't sleep, she had colic, I was a little depressed- feeling alone and isolated and it was affecting both me and the hubby. I felt like a failure. This mom thing was a lot more difficult than anyone let on. The hubby was amazing every step of the way and we managed to get through- together.

Then along came Jackson, a "happy coincidence." The pregnancy plunged me back into the depths of prenatal depression and high risk prenatal care (precaution after my pregnancy with Addison). I am not sure that my body is meant for pregnancy and I know my marriage sure isn't!

Every day that went by after Jackson was born was a lesson in coping! I had so many struggles along the way and most of those struggles were and are tied to my need to be the "perfect" mother... what society tells me to be: You have to breastfeed (which I didn’t do with either Addison or Jackson *gasps*) because obviously formula is purely toxic, you simply MUST NOT co-sleep (which I did and continue to do even now that Addison is almost four and Jackson two), don't dare fulfill YOURSELF it is all about the kids, eat all organic, put your kids in preschool, don't put your kids in preschool, let them graze all day, No, no feed them three meals and two snacks.... the list goes on and on…

My life as a stay-at-home mom has took on a life of its own… about the kids and for the kids. ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. Some days are exhausting, others are amazing but the perfect day never really existed.

After 3 ½ years of parenting and two pregnancies, I have decided to make up my own mind and trust my own instinct. I am a mom that let's my kids watch TV sometimes so I can get some time to myself blogging or searching the internet, I feed them chocolate on toast for breakfast some days and I have learned that the term "survival of the fittest" was meant to apply directly to the parent-child relationship (unfortunately I am not sure who is outsmarting who)! I don't always make my kids excuse themselves from the table or clean-up their room after playing. I let them resolve battle out their fights on their own (for the most part) ... I know I am not perfect; my kids are certainly not- they are loud, a little too energetic and can demonstrate the perfect pint sized meltdown on cue! But we love each other; we dance and sing together almost every day. We have tickle wars, we talk all at the same time when we get excited and we hug and kiss a million times a day.

I yell (more than that I would like), and I can be selfish. But my kids are well adjusted, well mannered, social, independent and brilliant... so I am taking the reigns and bucking against the "should" of society… I will parent on my own terms AND take care of myself too. I will choose to step down from my high horse in preference of an average height horse. I will not judge the parents of the crying baby, the melt-down throwing toddler, the bratty child or the wild teenager, because I have either been there or will be there soon enough.

I am encouraging honesty about the highs and lows of parenting and hoping to create a more realistic version of parenting... not perfection, but "good enough" parenting.

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Day 110
Evening in the park

The circle of life for a stay-at-home-mom & Day 107. 258 Days Left.

It all began Sunday afternoon…

As previously posted, Sunday we decided to take apart Jackson’s crib and transition him to a toddler bed. Today I can say what the fuck were we thinking? We decided on the toddler bed for two reasons 1) he was climbing out of the crib. Though he never got hurt, this paranoid mom watched a Dr’s episode and Dr. Sears mentioned that any baby climbing out of their crib should be put into a toddler bed; climbing out can result in serious injury. Me: we have to get a toddler bed NOW! 2) Addison decided that their room, when the TV is off, is spooky and she talked me into allowing her to invade Jackson’s crib. The two of them had no space to comfortably sleep. Me: this is never going to work. We have to get a toddler bed NOW! We did exactly that. I will point out that even though Jackson was climbing out of the crib; when it was nap and bedtime, you never seen a baby happier to climb in than him. He loved his crib. What I loved is he slept during naps and through the night. So what were we thinking? Right?

We have been out of the house since Friday. Jackson has not had a good nap in five days. You may think sans nap he would be eager to bed earlier but with Jackson it is the exact opposite. If he does not get a decent nap he has an awful time sleeping at night. The past two nights he has been up until 11:30pm- 12:00am and waking at his normal time 7:00am. He is cranky.

Cranky Jackson= cranky mom.

While out, the three cats and three dogs have had the run off the house. Five days. As you can imagine, five days without vacuuming and moping while owing six pests pets, the house is a fucking pig sty.

Messy house= cranky mom.

Today, our first full day home, I decided to clean… I dusted, having to stop every five minutes to get Jackson and each time he would throw a fit complete with screaming and head banging. Once I made my way to the hall, I smelt something burning; the dryer. Fantastic. Call the hubby to bitch. He tells me if I notice smoke to take the kids and dogs with me to get the landlord. “But the house is a fucking mess. I can’t have him come in here.” Hang up. Light a couple of candles to rid the house of the pungent animal odor. Vacuum as quickly as possible. Lock the kids and dogs up in the nursery so they are together in one place. Mop the floors. The mop breaks. Clean the bathroom that has the washer and dryer in it and notice the smell is gone. Think to myself: good the hubby can check it when he gets home. Lay the kids down for a nap. Jackson won’t stay in toddler bed. Lay the kids down for a nap. Repeat. Call mom to bitch. Go pee, the toilet doesn’t flush; try again it starts filling up. Seriously! Lay the kids down for a nap. Sit down with a cup of coffee. Start this blog post. Lay Jackson down for a nap. Hear a popping sound and notice one of the candles flaming. Try to blow out candle but continues to flame. Grab pot holder rush candle to the sink and douse with water. Lay Jackson down for a nap. Think to myself: why did we take down his fucking crib on Sunday!

Tonight the crib is going back up so all will be right with this mom's universe.
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day 107
"Look at the camera for mommy"

Love how neither are looking and both wearing the same expression

One of those days & Day 92. 273 Days Left.

Yesterday was one of those days where the night before I didn’t get much sleep, and all I could do was just be.

One of those days I knew I was not going to get much done and what I did decide to do, got done wrong. Coffee spilt all over the counter, in-between the oven and cabinets, on the floor. The kids breakfast, banana nut muffins, were accidently made sugar and egg free. How do you skip an entire step? Especially with a recipe you make a couple times a month? You know, one of those days, while yelling at three dogs, three cats and two toddlers, you accidently load the dishwasher with Super Miracle Bubbles.

One of those days my trouble seeking little guy and his curiosity irritates me a little quicker than normal. And I was slightly less resilient to my ornery three year old and her incessant demands.

One of those days when in a flurry for food the pug ran into my leg; “stupid dog”. Her protruding eye, she has glaucoma, began to leak fluid. I panicked. I ran around the house praying it was not serious.

One of those days I could not wait for naptime and even more so, bedtime.

One of those days the hubby was home early from work, woke the kids from their naps and all normal conversation turned into an argument… “Do we really have to have this conversation again? How many times do I have to repeat my self?”

One of those days I was exhausted and not looking forward to workout plans with a friend.

Something had to be done to get me out of the funk. I was determined.

Yesterday quickly became one of those days…

I discovered the kid’s would devourer sugar-free muffins.
Thankfully they were eatable.

The hubby and I grabbed the kids and cuddled up on the couch watching Toy Story.

I spent a little extra time with the Pug, petting her, cuddling with her, talking to her, tending to her eye.

Jackson and I played peek-a-boo under the covers of my bed.

The hubby, kids and I were able to have lunch together.

I went and bought a new pair of sneakers, to get pumped, for my first workout with a friend. What an amazing workout it was and I look forward to today’s. After all, you are only as good as you feel.

By the end of the day, yesterday was a really good day.
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Day 92
my two of a kind

I am that mom & Day 85. 280 Days Left.

I am the mom who regularly bribes and negotiates for the simple purpose of preserving order. Otherwise known as the by WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY method.

My sole goal is to avoid a major pint sized meltdown at. all. cost. I have employed both of these tactics (at times, simultaneously!).

I have fine tuned and mastered the art of child bribery. My finest moment as a mom.

Typically when out shopping I am already teetering with fatigue, keeping my sanity, I am alone with two toddlers, outnumbered and most often out smarted. Often, Addison or Jackson (sometime both Addison & Jackson) will get restless, start whining, even crying in the middle of the grocery store. As much as I would like to think I can handle it, in many cases, the bribery option makes the most sense and works most quickly. At this time, I tell them if they are quiet for mommy I will go to the bakery and get them each a sugar cookie. If I get the cookie before I begin shopping, they both have it devoured half way through my list. This way they are quiet while I get the majority of the items off my list while patiently waiting for that coveted cookie.

When it comes to dinner Addison is very difficult. I try to get through the meal with little chaos. Addison if you eat your dinner you can have a treat. I have recently found that this particular tactic backfired. Case in point the “I am mad and mad girls don’t eat” night and most recently, Addison was not eating her dinner. We told her if she finished her plate she could have a treat- an Italian icee. A few more minutes passed and Addison still had not taken a bite of her chicken…

Addison: I am ready for my icee.

Mommy: You did not eat your dinner. After you finish your dinner you may have one.

Addison: but I am ready for it now mommy.

Mommy: Addison what did I just tell you?

Addison: (after an extended blank stare)...now mommy? please? can I have my icee? I want the red one.

This back and forth went on several minutes.

Addison: Mommy you are wasting my time and making me mad. Mad little girls are not happy and don’t eat their dinner. Happy girls eat their icee.

Clearly mommy is outsmarted.

I think the problem is we all have an "ideal" world in which we have been socialized to base our parenting skills, but in reality, being able to keep up with this Utopia is impossible for even the most patient of parents. This is why I resort to bribery. But, I also think it teaches them a valuable lesson. That sometimes you have to work for the things you want and if you work for it you can be rewarded for your good behavior.

I think it's time that we as parents give ourselves a collective break - in other words, stop being so hard on ourselves and feeling so guilty. If it helps us keep our sanity and if it works than why the hell not?

Do you use bribery or negotiate with your children?
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Day 85
Spring Fun... more bubble time

The Stay at Home Mom Syndrome & Day 47. 318 Days Left.

Though rewarding, being a stay-at-home mom isn’t easy. In fact, I was surprised to find it’s the hardest job I have ever had. Most days are spent without a single adult conversation, quieting my child’s screams at home or in the store, wiping poopy butts, making bottles, making five different things for breakfast and lunch, disciplining, splitting up battles, getting toddlers to nap (at the same time), doing laundry, hauling a double stroller while entertaining two toddlers and walking three dogs, cleaning house and planning nightly meals often leave me wondering, “Is this really worth it?” The “I’m just a mom” syndrome attacks routinely, suggesting the world is moving on without me while I watch Yo Gabba, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and the Wiggles with my 3 & 1-year-olds for the one millionth time.

Like anyone, I have good days and bad days. Admittedly, even a bad day at home is better than the worse day at an outside job. But I often find myself answering most how do you do it questions with “Well, I am just a mom.”

On a really good day, Addison and Jackson are cooperative, playful, hungry at food time and actually eat what I make, sleepy at nap time, the housework gets done, I find a bit of time to write a blog post and most importantly, to enjoy one-on-one time with the kiddies.

Most typical days for this stay-at-home mom go like this:

Wake up when Jackson wakes up (between 5:30-6:30am), change him, get him a bottle. Rub open my eyes and luckily if he is not screaming I can find time to pee. Addison is usually just waking up (7am-ish). Make Addison juice and get her on the potty. Make them breakfast. Jackson throws it overboard. Make him something new to eat. Pour a cup of coffee and pray I can get at least 2-3 cups in me. Clean up Jackson. Clean up his highchair. Clean up the floor. Clean up after breakfast while the kiddies are watching The Cat in the Hat. Start the laundry. Play with Addison and Jackson. Get them down for a nap. Clean up any bottles. Check email. Start writing a post. Until they wake for lunch. Prepare food, let them eat, clean up Jackson, clean up his highchair, clean up the floor. Change them into daytime clothes. Take the dogs for a walk. Stop a pint sized meltdown. Call the hubby and hound him about when he is coming home. Dinner...bath time...bed time. I sit down on the sofa.

Now during this constant activity I am often rewarded with dancing, talking, laughing, playing, hugs and kisses. Addison even helps take the laundry out of the dryer (while leaving a trail behind her) and once folded Jackson likes to throw the clothes on the floor. They both really enjoy helping.

My life, as a stay at home mom, is not glamorous or relaxing but I do get paid with "I luv yous", hugs and kisses that just melt my heart.

I think friends are shocked by how easily I slipped into this life. Hell, I'm more shocked than they are (especially by my hygiene issues).

And p.s. hubby it is so not hot to ask how many days it has been since I have showered… that will not get me moving. Because by this point, I have had all I can stand of other humans hanging off me. So sorry. No shower tonight. Rain check please…
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Day 47
We play Jack-in-the-Box

No Use Crying Over Spilt Juice & Day 46. 319 Days Left.

“Mommy, I’m going to time out!” I turned to look at Addison, whose juice cup spilled all over and under the sofa and side table. She looked back at me defiantly. “I made a big mess,” gesturing toward her juice cup that was now laying on the floor (while Jackson happily splashed in the puddle). “I am going to time out,” she reiterated. “You…you can’t have a time out,” I stammered “it’s MY job to say when you get a time out – you don’t get to tell ME when you are having one. (By this point Addison already placed herself on the time-out mat (which is really the dog bed), along with her dinosaur and Jackson (who follows behind her every move and I am sure he had a part, other than splashing, in the spilled juice). “Addison, you are not getting a time-out. We need to go wash your hands, rinse off Jackson and you are going to help mommy clean up this mess.” As I am holding Jackson and she is following along to the sink she begins screaming “I want my time-out, I spilled my juice.” I tried to explain the mess was an accident and she did not deserve a time out for an accident-“we all have them“. Well, this made matters worse and she was now in a full fledged meltdown.

I thoughtfully considered what the hell just happened? The spilled juice, the request and her attempt for punishment, my response to her bold demand, all orchestrated by a barely thigh-high child who thinks a snowman is called a “nu-sa.” Meanwhile, I am cursing myself for giving into a three year old by allowing her juice in a cup with a crazy straw rather than giving her a sippy cup. This was my fault; I knew what was going to happen the moment I handed her the juice. Did I really think she was going to listen when I told her “Addison be careful and do not take it to the sofa.”? Why did I give into her request for the lady bug cup? Was it because she was so sick and finally feeling herself or because I wanted to be a “good mommy”? But I am certainly not going to give in to her demand for a time-out. What kind of push over does she think I am?

She is a firecracker. I get it; she is three. She is trying to find her way and establish a sense of self. I like that she’s trying to run circles around me; the key is to not let her know when she has succeeded, or let her see my slight smile of "you-go-girl"approval as I turn away from yet another Addison mini-meltdown.
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Day 46
"Mommy, We Ride"

My Spontaneous Trip

My mom called 9am Thursday morning. She needed to drive to Tampa and see my sister “The Dentist”. I decided it would be fun to bring the kids and go along for a couple of days; plus I have never had the opportunity to take a trip in the middle of the week… what was I thinking?! Why did I think making a five hour drive with two kids would be a good idea?

I packed our bags and the cooler (yes, we nee an assortment of juice boxes, sippy cups and bottles for the drive up and back). In toll we had my huge overnight duffel bag with enough clothes, diapers, pull-ups, bottles and toys to last and entertain for three days, the giant blue cooler (that was placed in between the carseats), the umbrella stroller, my mom’s overnight bag, Addison’s portable potty seat, an assortment of DVD’s and my diaper bag. And we were off…

Two hours into our drive we see a sign stating the exit 141 was closed- great we were on Alligator Alley and no turn off. What do we do now? Nothing! We sat in traffic for an hour. Meanwhile, Addison is in the back crying she had to go potty. We pull over and try to get her to go on the side of the road- NO WAY! We could not go anywhere. We were traveling four miles per hour if even that fast. Finally Addison gave up and we assumed she went in her pull-ups.

We made it through the traffic and come to a rest stop just before the skymile bridge going to St. Petersburg. We stop; Addison and her carseat are soaking wet. We get both babies cleaned up and head back to the car to finish the last two hours of our drive.

Before we load ourselves in, Addison found a little log to sit on looking out to the inlet. She turned to me and asked that Jackson sit next to her. This by far was the best moment of our drive up.

The couple of days just snowballed from there.

We made it to my sister’s house. After dinner we decided to take the kids swimming(it was 8pm). Addison pooped in her swimsuit, in the pool. As quickly and quietly as we could we undressed her then rinsed her and the swim suit. My mom ran into the house to get her underware. I went over (holding Jackson) to check how “the clean-up was going” and slipped in the poop! As I mentioned it was 8pm and dark! Needless to say, we cleaned up the kids and pool area, gave them a bath and left my sisters.

During our visit, we stayed in a couple of different hotel rooms.

On our way to the first hotel we ended up circling the Tampa airport. We finally arrived and the stoned front desk boy (he was barely a teenager) informed us our room was on the second floor; with no elevator. It was 9:30pm both babies were cranky and wanting to be held. We had the giant cooler, both over night bags, the bag of toys, Addison’s potty seat and my diaper bag strategically placed on the umbrella stroller so we could make it up in one trip. Well the stoned boy decided to carry the umbrella stroller, which was beyond loaded, up the stairs (after I protested more than once) - I am sure you can see where this was going… at the fifth step everything went rolling down. I tell him to forget it, make it up the stairs, back outside and down 15 doors to our room. The stroller is broken-AHHHHHH!

We left the hotel, packing all our stuff and the babies back into the car (thinking we were leaving after our visit to my sister’s dental office). We headed to get breakfast then our teeth worked on. FUN...

For two days we lived on McDonalds. We ate it for breakfast and lunch. My daughter decided she liked the Littlest Pet Shop toys they are carrying;she desperatly wanted the giraffe. No luck- sorry Addison maybe next time.

Four hours later, I had my cleaning but my mom and to go elsewhere. We go get lunch; What a nightmare! The kids were miserable, my mom got horrible news and I was now finding out we were going to stay in another hotel- I was pissed.

I go to my sisters and wait for them to come back from the second appointment of the day.

My mom tries to eat leftovers from last night (but after having two root canals she is quit uncomfortable), Addison refuses to eat (she wants to go swimming) and Jackson is, well, just miserable. I decided to get everyone ready; I did not arrive at the hotel late. This time we choose a hotel across the street from my sister’s house, with an elevator!

We settle in; Addison hates the room and is having a meltdown which in turn causes Jackson to meltdown (AHHHH is now SHIT!)

They finally fall asleep at 8:30pm; my mom and I not far behind them. We get up in the morning travel yet again to McDonalds and bring breakfast back to the room. Both kids are happy. We put them in their swim suits and take them downstairs for a little playtime in the kiddie fountain; the second most relaxing part of our spontaneous trip.


My sister drives over to say goodbye. We pack up and are off for our five hour journey home.

We make a stop at another McDonald’s for another Happy Meal. We sit down to eat but Addison wants to see her toy (three toys in she is hoping this time it is the giraffe). I pull out the toy and it is one for a boy. My mom quickly swoops it up and brings it back to the cashier. To my surprise she comes back with the giraffe- she is Addison’s superhero.

The rest of the drive home was listening to Addison play with her beloved giraffe while Jackson was soundly sleeping.

What was I thinking taking a spontaneous trip with two kids?...

Making more memories…

I got to spend two days with my mom (Gredda), with my sister (Aunt Monka “The Dentist”), watching as my two children contently gazed into the inlet, watching them squeal and play in a fountain and finding the golden giraffe… pretty amazing, disasters and all!

My Damn Mondays

Once upon a time I worked and like most people I hated Mondays. For some reason Murphy’s Law always applied to Mondays…anything that could go wrong- would!

Once I stopped working I figured I could kiss those dreaded Mondays & Murphy and his stupid law goodbye…forever! Boy was I wrong.

Yes, we stay-at-home moms have those damn Monday’s too. They are not dreaded but some days they sure are long. It seems as though both kids take Monday to wind-down from the weekend. They suck every little bit of energy out of me leaving nothing behind…no amount of coffee even helps.
It is like they are still all hopped up from the activities of the weekend (we stay pretty active the entire weekend).

Monday morning Addison likes to test her boundaries to see what will apply for the week; her biggest target, her baby brother Jackson! I swear an hour into the day my voice is gone, time-outs & the word NO are played out and toys are put on shelves out of reach… they don’t care. To them, on Monday, mommy is fair game!

It is not until the end of the night that I truly realize how different my Mondays are from the “working world”…

I have the privilege of being home with my two beautiful children. I am teaching them. I am watching them grow & learn. I get to see each milestone along the way (I get to witness them first). I get to cheer and dance and be silly for them, they are admiring me.

It is the moment when they are unwinding for the night, when my son climbs into his sister’s Tinkerbell bed to drink his bottle and watch a movie with her and when I am watching my daughter sleep, while singing lullabies into my son’s ear and dancing him to sleep, that I realize my Monday’s are truly special days no matter how stressful they may seem.

My damn Mondays are one of my favorite days…