Embracing the “Good Enough" & Day 110. 255 Days Left

After years of planning, conceiving and raising children, I realize that I forgot a little something along the way... me.

When we conceived our first I was ecstatic, certain that everything was going to be, well.... PERFECT. The wheels started to fall off of the bus when I was pregnant, I was sick, I was working, fat, a little bit nuts and every bit exhausted. NOT the magical picture that had been painted to me by friends, family and society.

Once our daughter, Addison, arrived things only got worse. I couldn't breastfeed, she didn't sleep, she had colic, I was a little depressed- feeling alone and isolated and it was affecting both me and the hubby. I felt like a failure. This mom thing was a lot more difficult than anyone let on. The hubby was amazing every step of the way and we managed to get through- together.

Then along came Jackson, a "happy coincidence." The pregnancy plunged me back into the depths of prenatal depression and high risk prenatal care (precaution after my pregnancy with Addison). I am not sure that my body is meant for pregnancy and I know my marriage sure isn't!

Every day that went by after Jackson was born was a lesson in coping! I had so many struggles along the way and most of those struggles were and are tied to my need to be the "perfect" mother... what society tells me to be: You have to breastfeed (which I didn’t do with either Addison or Jackson *gasps*) because obviously formula is purely toxic, you simply MUST NOT co-sleep (which I did and continue to do even now that Addison is almost four and Jackson two), don't dare fulfill YOURSELF it is all about the kids, eat all organic, put your kids in preschool, don't put your kids in preschool, let them graze all day, No, no feed them three meals and two snacks.... the list goes on and on…

My life as a stay-at-home mom has took on a life of its own… about the kids and for the kids. ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. Some days are exhausting, others are amazing but the perfect day never really existed.

After 3 ½ years of parenting and two pregnancies, I have decided to make up my own mind and trust my own instinct. I am a mom that let's my kids watch TV sometimes so I can get some time to myself blogging or searching the internet, I feed them chocolate on toast for breakfast some days and I have learned that the term "survival of the fittest" was meant to apply directly to the parent-child relationship (unfortunately I am not sure who is outsmarting who)! I don't always make my kids excuse themselves from the table or clean-up their room after playing. I let them resolve battle out their fights on their own (for the most part) ... I know I am not perfect; my kids are certainly not- they are loud, a little too energetic and can demonstrate the perfect pint sized meltdown on cue! But we love each other; we dance and sing together almost every day. We have tickle wars, we talk all at the same time when we get excited and we hug and kiss a million times a day.

I yell (more than that I would like), and I can be selfish. But my kids are well adjusted, well mannered, social, independent and brilliant... so I am taking the reigns and bucking against the "should" of society… I will parent on my own terms AND take care of myself too. I will choose to step down from my high horse in preference of an average height horse. I will not judge the parents of the crying baby, the melt-down throwing toddler, the bratty child or the wild teenager, because I have either been there or will be there soon enough.

I am encouraging honesty about the highs and lows of parenting and hoping to create a more realistic version of parenting... not perfection, but "good enough" parenting.

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Day 110
Evening in the park

Selfish Me

I am selfish.
Yes, the above statement is very true.

I have no reason to be. After all, I am the oldest of three. I have had to share almost everything my entire life. Perhaps that is why.

Last night I went to bed late; by late I mean 1am. My husband falls asleep with in seconds of lying down- I hate him for this. I however, toss & turn, watch TV, replay my day and sometimes worry about the next. The last time I looked at the clock was 1am.

I was up late because we are (correction I am) driving to Ocala tonight to see my bestie, her hubby and their little baby boy. The hubby, kids and I are visiting them for the weekend. I was up packing and getting things together in preparation for our weekend trip. My goal is when the hubby gets home from work this evening; we leave.

I was hoping to get some sleep knowing I would be up with Jackson at 6:30am and not able to nap. I wanted to be rested for the four hour drive I am going to have make.

This is how last night played out:

Addison woke at 1:30am. Shit. I put her in bed with us.

After fighting to get her to sleep in the middle of the bed rather than on mommy’s side, it was 2am. Finally some sleep.

Jackson wakes at 4am. I yell; “goddamnit". No one moves…I wake my husband (who has to get up for work at 5:30am) and say “you need to get him.” Yes, I realize this was selfish but I was tired and I will be the one driving not him; he will be the one sleeping. I wanted sleep.

He tends to Jackson; warms him a bottle and brings him in bed with us. Jackson throws-up all over our bed. FUCK! I chase them both out of the room and clean the bed as much as I can without disturbing the quietly sleeping toddler that lays in the middle.

I peacefully go back to sleep. Selfish? Yes; I know. I wanted sleep.

6:15am Jackson is back in bed with Addison and me. The hubby has left for work.

6:30am Jackson is awake and ready to play. FANTASTIC! (sense my sarcasm)

7am I call the hubby to bitch. Complaining about how I was up all night.
Complaining about not being able to nap today. Complaining about being the one who will be up driving tonight. I end the conversation with “sounds like fun?”. (sense more sarcasm)

His response is “Yup”.

“Yup?! Oh really yup? You ass”... as I hang up the phone.

Yup is such a lazy, uncompassionate word. I hate the word yup.

Perhaps he will be the one driving; being that I am so selfish…