FEAR & Day 93. 272 Days Left.

Who can explain fear? I certainly can not. As a child, I wasn't a complete scaredy-cat, but scary movies and being in the dark were issues and spiders continue to be problematic and one or two other things give me the creeps. All in all, I'm fairly brave….I think. Even though I know people who don't mind the dark and love spiders, it makes me want to ask those people what is wrong with you?

Fears are strange creatures.
Powerful.
Often times unexplainable. Often times- life altering.

Tuesday night while at the park I remembered the moment I feared most in life. We went with our friends and their two daughters. The girls were running around together and picked-up another friend. Suddenly, they began rolling down a small hill in the grass. Addison wanted to join; but she, like me, stood frozen.

The day in the park with all the bees came rushing back. I encouraged Addison to join the girls; she stood there looking at me. I could read the look of fear on her face. I was not persistent, she was not ready. I turn and see Jackson tumbling around with the girls, my heart stopped. Moments later, Addison decided to join.

I was encouraging. Panicked. I was fearful.

I immediately began checking the grass, looking for any signs of bees or underground hives. I found a drain in the area, inspected it closely. After finding nothing, I told the kids to stay away from the drain. I still refused to keep my eyes off them.

I listened to them laugh. Addison was rolling around, in the grass, laughing. She was laughing. I can breath… but only for the moment.

Because I know the next time, the next park, I will fear the same.

(we have visited many, many parks since the bee incident; however, this was the first time since Addison has actually played in the grass)

What do you FEAR most?
Have you experienced it?
How did you handle the situation?
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Day 93
Jackson sippy cup discovery

Both he and the sofa- covered in milk
Addison did the very same, when she was two yrs old, with her milk; except she coated every inch of the nursery with tiny milk dots. I still find evidence of her milkcapade- she is three.

The Most Insulting Comment Ever & Day 36. 329 Days Left…

First and foremost, I write to express an idea or something I have experienced. Blogging is about telling a story. Often, opinions become part of that story. Some will understand and agree while others may find themselves completely offended. I get that. It is all part of the territory.

Part of the joy, with sharing my thoughts, is receiving comments. I am a comment whore; I crave them. I love comments. All of them. Yes, I even enjoy reading the comments where people disagree with what I wrote. If everyone liked what I had to say or agreed with me it would be pretty boring. At times you may get offended or think what I post is distasteful but they are my opinions. It is MY blog. I will post and say whatever I want.

The worst comment ever came on a post I titled “The One Without a Title”. For those of you who have read the post you will understand.

The offensive comment:
Blame It On The Stork said...
“Thanks for stopping by our blog! Your kids are so cute! I love the picture at the end of you blog where they are sleeping nose to nose! So adorable. We are following you right back!”

Are you wondering why this was so insulting?

Well, this particular post was about my children, mother and me being attacked by hundreds of bees and the fear I was going to lose one if not both babies. Her comment was not even relevant to the topic. She basically scrolled through my page(my pictures) and left a comment on the most current post.

Well ladies, thanks for the follow but I just unfollowed you. Feel free to do the same.

Truthfully, I don’t care about numbers. I would rather have readers.

I find this is very common. As I am searching through the bloggy-verse reading post and the attached comments, I often come across someone asking for a follow. Could you really not take two minutes to read the post and write a relevant comment before asking for a return follow? It only take a couple of minutes! Come on people. Comments like that are for places like Facebook, Bloggy Moms, Blog Frog or E-mail.

So just remember if you really want to visit my blog and leave a comment have something pertinent to say.
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Day 36
Paybacks!

The One Without a Title:

I am a mom. I vow to protect my children.

But Monday I was helpless. Monday I was a horrible mother. Monday was the worst day of my life. Monday was life changing. Monday has left me with this empty feeling, a hole in my stomach, I can not shake. A piece of me that I will never have back. A piece of me that will never be the same.

My mom and I took the kids for a walk in the park. We had so much fun. We decided to takes the kids out of their strollers and sit under a shade tree on top of a hill.

It is Florida; we do not have hills but this particular walking park does. How much fun would it be fun to roll down them? We did. I stirred up a bees nest which was underground. I was covered. Screamed to my mom to grab Addison before she got covered. Turned to see her- it was too late.

(I am shaking as I type I have chills, the empty feeling is back)

This will be short because I can’t muster up enough energy to relive the day in its entirety.

Jackson is now swarmed. Addison head is invisible. Hundreds of bees swarm us. We are all screaming. 20 minutes. It felt like a lifetime.
The only thought I remember, is thinking (at the moment believing) I was going to lose Addison if not both her and Jackson.

My mom struggles to protect herself, Addison and Jackson; finally getting them out of the immediate distance. I stay behind so not to bring any more bees over to them.

I attempted twice to call 911. They needed an address. I did not have one. They did not know the park. “My babies are going to die!” No luck with 911 I start screaming for help.

Even though my mom and babies were out of the immediate area they are still being stung. I can hear them screaming for help.

I attempt the second 911 call while my mom runs to flag someone down from the road.

I sit down while still being swarmed. I cry. Finally, sirens.

to the man who stopped and helped my mom and babies until the ambulance and BSO arrived, thank you does not seem enough. I wish I had your name. You were our angel.

I see Jackson throwing up- I scream: ”get him, get my baby”. They get him out of the stroller, tend to my mom and babies and finally come to help me.

The three of us are immediately rushed to the emergency room they began taking the stingers out of the babies. On their faces, in their mouths, on their sides, back, necks, hands, feet and heads- my poor poor innocent precious little babies.We are all physically fine, minus the 8 stings on Jackson and his swollen lip, the 15 or so stings on Addison, the 25 or more on my mom and 38 or more on me (from what we could count).

Emotionally I will never be the same. The news reporters wanted to interview me. I decided not to, the babies were far too upset, I was covered in both their vomit; a nurse snuck us out through a back door.

I stayed at my mom’s house for three days. I did not want to be alone. Addison did not want to go outside; I did not blame her. We stayed at my mom’s so not to have to walk my three dogs.

Yesterday was our first day home. I did not want to take the dogs outside. We managed. Not well. I rushed the dogs. Addison begged to go back inside.I am a rational person. I know while walking the dogs or taking them in the backyard we will not have the same result. But I can't. I can't stand the thought.

The babies are terrified. They cry all day. They hold onto me. They do not want to be put down. They only want to sleep in my bed, they have bad dreams. The three of us wake at night off and on; Jackson crying, Addison saying no she does not want to walk and me with the horrible thought that Monday could have been…I keep seeing the image of Addison being swarmed. Addison is calling me Mama again, rather than mommy. She is terrified to walk, even indoors. She is afraid of furballs or fuzzies. Terrified of anything she sees flying out side; butterflies, moths, flies God help us if she sees a bee. Jackson screams when put in the stroller. The clothes the babies were wearing have been washed and boxed up- I can't stand the thought of them wearing those outfits.

They only want me. Why? when I let such a horrible thing happen to them? Why on earth do they only want me? Why am I their superhero when I could not protect them?

I struggled with a title for this: The worst day of my life. I will never be the same. The moment I thought my babies were gone. The scariest moment I can remember. The day a piece of me died. My lesson in life. My fears lived. Our Angels working overtime. My life changing moment.They are all true.

Once you have that feeling, the moment you realize there is a fine line between life and death; you will never be the same. I will never be the same.

We are trying to get back into our routine- it is proven to be very difficult.

I do not want to leave the house. I want to protect my babies. I never want them to feel that kind of pain or helplessness again. I never want to be helpless. I am their mother- I was supposed to protect them. How could I have let this happen?

Five days later and I cringe when I see evidence of that horrible Monday. a bruise here or there. A red patch from a sting. A scratch from my mom and I swatting away bees in a flurry. Five days later and it feels as though it was yesterday. Five days later and the thought still makes me sick- what if?

I vow never to take Addison, Jackson or life for granted- ever. I will make the most of each day. And at the end of each blessed day I will be thankful. Thankful for my two precious, beautiful little blessings. I vow not to sweat the small stuff- because it is just stuff. I vow to appreciate what I have in life rather than focusing on what I do not.

Please take this with you:

Every Day Matters.

We Are Not Entitled to Tomorrow.

Be Thankful For Your Blessings in Life.

So after you read this; hug your children, hold them a moment longer, kiss them, thank them for the joy they bring into your life and let them know how much you love them.

How to kill a spider

Addison woke up this morning and the first thing we do is go potty. Yes, it is a family effort. Jackson hangs around in the bathroom with us. (I will save you the details because everything below happens during this very moment)…

I picked up the bathroom garbage knowing Jackson grabs anything he can get his little hands on and shoves it in his face. Pretty disgusting. I know.

As I do this I notice a huge spider. Jackson is two inches away from it.

The damn thing has built its web in between Addison’s Elmo potty seat and the garbage. I must have disturbed it. I shout “Holy Fuck!” (more than once). Jackson starts screaming, as I throw him in his crib, and I yank Addison off her little blue toddler potty- midstream. Thankfully she opted to use that instead of Elmo seat because I would have been wearing the bastard.

I am terrified of spiders. Well, now so is Jackson- he is 10 months.

I shut the door call my husband. He can’t help. Call my mom. She can’t help. Fuck.

I opt to kill it myself. I get the bug spray, point & shoot. The bastard put up
quite a fight. Finally I saturated it enough that it curls up and dies. The bathroom is literally soaking wet from the bug spray.

While doing this- Jackson is still screaming and I am praying that Addison doesn’t pick-up on my language. No such luck. I can hear her crying,“Oh No! Oh No, my fucking Elmo Potty”. (more than once). Shit.

Finally, I am able to move Addison’s potty stuff. I set it up in my bedroom bathroom. This is where it will stay until my husband is home from work and can get rid of the thing. I just hope Addison can make it to the other side of the house every time she has to go.

For those of you who know me. This was quite a moment.
Today I killed a spider.